Questions for Self-Reflection During Life Transitions in Christian Marriage
- Mayra Richards
- Apr 4
- 5 min read
By Mayra Richards, Founder of Remain Connected Counseling
“How have you changed?” I heard these words as I was sitting in a cottage in Belt, Montana waiting for my husband, Gavin, to wake up. Gavin and I had been disconnected because of life stressors and work schedules. I was trying to tell God all the ways that Gavin has changed since we started dating and God asked me, “Hey, just wondering, how have you changed?” It stopped me short as a wake-up call, a true humility moment. You see, when I get stressed, it is so easy to look at others to blame. I so very quickly want to go into “Please-fix-them-God” mode instead of looking at the ways that I am impacting others, and how polite (or not) I am being.
So, I went ahead and listed the ways that I’ve changed since I started dating Gavin. And wow! I miss that side of me! The side of me that used to write him notes inside his lunch or who was way more carefree and trusting. I realized that as much as I was missing who we were, I was mostly missing who I was.
Before we left on our trip, we got some news about a couple of things for which we had been asking the Lord. The answers were not “No”, but “Maybe.” There is nothing that I like less than a Maybe. I’d rather hear a “No” because I can deal with disappointment, (I’ll just cry it out, talk it out, cry some more, and be good again), but the waiting… Well, I am still learning to deal with the waiting. I started asking God to tell me quickly what He wanted me to do because I want to be obedient, but mostly (and honestly), I do not want to feel the excruciating tension of the waiting. I know how to celebrate and I know how to mourn. The in between is less clear and more work to me. (More on waiting in the next blog post!)
Entering this trip, I was feeling highly stressed and sensitive. Since I could not control the things happening around us, I wanted to control my most favorite person, my spouse, hence telling God all the things He needed to change about Gavin. When God turned the question on me, it was the grace I needed to realize where my heart was and how I was operating from a desire for control. Control leads us to believe that we have power over people or things that we do not. It is a false feeling of powerfulness.
Have you ever felt that way? You try to convince God that it is really not your fault but your spouse's heart that is the problem. You try to convince yourself that if that one person could change then life would be better. I am here to tell you that it wouldn't be better because you would still be the same unless you sit with God and allow Him to ask you the hard questions that give you fresh perspective and humility.
Ultimately, what came out of the conversation with God was that I was scared of my disconnection from Gavin and I thought the only way back towards connection was for him to change because I was too stressed out and exhausted to put any more effort into self reflection. I wanted Gavin to do all the work but this is simply not how marriage works.
Marriage is putting effort into communication, especially when you do not want to. Your connection with your spouse is worth the discomfort.
Marriage is opening yourself up to God to allow Him to show you the places that need tending to and reshaping. Marriage is allowing both individuals to have different needs and the desire to serve one another to achieve those needs. Marriage is not about blaming the other person but instead looking into oneself and asking the question, “How can I do better? How can I bring peace into this covenant?”
If you can answer these questions, then any disconnection from your spouse will feel minimal. You will feel powerful enough to get connection back with your spouse. I am still learning this myself and I continue to pray for the humility to embrace how I have changed from those early dating days. I pray that God continues to work on my heart so that I am shaped into the kind of spouse that values connection over discomfort, and peace over control.
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***Please note that this blog is NOT intended as official therapeutic advice of any kind.
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