By Mayra Richards, Founder of Remain Connected Counseling
After sitting with many clients and hearing them talk about their parents, in-laws, etc, one thing that often needs to be said is, “Older does not make you wiser.” I think that there is so much respect for people who are older than us and have lived through some really tough times like wars, the great depression, a global pandemic, but the simple fact that they survived does not mean that they made wise decisions throughout it all. Yes, there are a lot of things to learn from them; in my opinion, emotional intelligence is NOT one of those things.
I remember the first time I realized my mom needed to be taken off of the pedestal I had placed her on. As a side note, you must know she was 99% right about most things, so much so that it was annoying. She had a deep relationship with God and was wise beyond her years BUT she was not perfect, especially when it came to things of the heart. She had survived childhood trauma, a dad who drank too much, a divorce, and other things, and although she had really good insight, she survived some of these things at the cost of her own heart. And how would she know any different? She could not. The last several years of her life, she started doing A LOT of inner work that, combined with prayer, changed her heart and I am so thankful for that because we were able to have an honest relationship based on mutual trust and respect.
Did you catch that she had to do a lot of work? A LOT! She read her Bible, joined Bible studies, asked me what I thought she needed to work on, read self help books on boundaries, parenting (yes even though her daughters were older with kids of their own). She was humble, open, and ready to learn. This kind of effort will make you an 8 out of 10 on emotional intelligence, but you cannot expect to get there without effort and intentionality.
I am in my mid 30s now and I want to tell everyone what I heard Lisa Bevere say one time, “Whatever you don’t deal with in your 20s will come out in your 40s.” This is where most of your parents are, in a stage of life where they have realized how much they survived and kept going but there was very little healing done in their hearts. There is a lot of compassion for that, life and mental health were very different back then, they simply did not know. There is respect for the survival capabilities they had and ultimately they are ok. Maybe you are ok, too. But I hear you come into my office and realize how scathed you are by some models of love, ways of parenting, and lack of emotional tools that now have left you feeling incapable of dealing with all the emotions you feel about life. Our parents do the best they can and sometimes that is not enough. I do the best I can and in many ways that will not be enough for my girls. Thankfully we have a God who will fill in the gaps if we ask Him to. The gaps and wounds that we may create in our children or the enemy may whisper in their ears. The same happened to you - your parents were not enough and what a relief! It means that since they did not create the whole problem then you do not really need them to fix it. You need the only being who can go deep inside all those hurts. You need Jesus.
I realized the other day that I kept feeling deep levels of disappointment because I was holding older people in my life to an emotional intelligence level of 8 but the reality is that some of the people around me are still at a level 2 and that’s ok. Do not get me wrong, I wish they had a high EQ, absolutely. I think it would help me feel safer, and I would want to follow their decisions more easily. It is hard to find out that a part of me does not trust them, really hard… but it also frees me from expecting something they might never be able to give me, which is a sound mind and wisdom when it comes to matters of the heart. They may be able to give me a recipe, a recommendation, fun, or a good conversation. These things can be valuable in their own way. However, wisdom is not something I am willing to get from them about major decisions in my life. Why? Because it would be unsafe.
We need to place people correctly in our circle of influence, and be influenced by people (I have a great circle of wise women who I could not live without) who align with our values, beliefs, and desires of personal growth. It does not have to be our parents, although it can be. If you do have parents you can trust, go ahead and hug them or send them some flowers because that is the best thing in the whole wide world. If you do not, there are still wise people in this world to learn from. Look at the fruit of their lives - do you see good fruit (meaning a healthy marriage) that you are hoping to have? Good connection and relationship with their children? Involvement in the church and good standing in their community? These are some things you can ask about or notice because fruit matters more than age. Always remember that you have the ultimate wise being inside of you, the Holy Spirit, and as you pray he will lead you to the best decisions in your life. God alone knows you fully and we are only accountable to Jesus, so make decisions that are the best right things that align with God’s will and character.
Next time you think someone should know better…have compassion and give grace that, just like you or me, sometimes they simply do not know. In all things give grace.
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